Why Pointy Ears are Cooler
by Callisto Nicol
Summary: A youthful Legolas has to give a presentation in class on his research paper...


A/N: This is my first LotR fic EVER, so be nice in your reviews. I hereby declare this fic to be officially dedicated to Catherine, the best LotR buddy in the whole wide world. Sorry I mutilated Legolas, but it needed doing for the fic. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings of the characters therein. Tolkein does, or did, back when he was alive. Whoever owns it now sure is doggone lucky…I only own the characters I made up, which is pretty much everybody you don't see in the movie or see in the books. I also don't own Star Wars or Star Trek, George Lucas and Gene Roddenberry do. I think. Then again, Gene Roddenberry is dead…aw hecky darn, I don't know, I only know that I don't own it.  
  
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1 Why Pointy Ears are Cooler  
  
Ms. Catherine Marafino walked back and forth before her classroom, inspecting the list of names on a clipboard before her. Who would be her next victim to report on their research paper…with her pen she jabbed a name. 'Legolas Greenleaf.'  
  
Young Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of all Mirkwood Forest, leapt up from his seat, eager to deliver his sixth grade research paper to his class. Inwardly Ms. Marafino groaned. If there ever was a child who wouldn't shut up, it was Legolas.  
  
'Mr. Greenleaf, please tell us the name of your paper and summarize it for us, but include detail. I don't want the barest of outlines, like you tried to pull off last time you had to give a presentation in class.'  
  
Legolas saluted Ms. Marafino. 'Aye, Captain,' he said with a smirk. Ms. Marafino felt another groan coming on, but she suppressed it.  
  
Turning to face his classmates, Legolas started off. 'The name of my research paper is "Why Pointy Ears are Cooler". Why are pointy ears cooler? Because I have them. The end.'  
  
Ms. Marafino directed a sharp glance at the young Elven prince. 'Mr. Greenleaf.'  
  
'Aw Ms. Marafino,' Legolas whined, 'can't you take a joke?'  
  
'You're running out of time, Mr. Greenleaf.' Impatience tinged Ms. Marafino's voice.  
  
'Fine, fine,' Legolas grumbled, sticking his tongue out at her when she bowed her head over her grade book. Titters ran across the class, but he sucked his tongue back in before the teacher could look up, giving her the most innocent look in the world. Ms. Marafino directed a glare in Legolas' direction. As far as he was concerned, teachers shouldn't be able to give their students glares like that. Then again, probably as far as she was concerned, students like him shouldn't be allowed into Mirkwood Middle…  
  
'Ahem. As I've already stated, the name of my paper is "Why Pointy Ears are Cooler". Now, here's why.' Legolas set up an easel in front of his class and set upon it a huge, horizontal notebook. He flipped back the cover to show a giant picture of…Yoda.  
  
'Example one: Jedi Knights. Yoda was the only Jedi with pointed ears.'  
  
'Nuh-uh!' some kid in the third row exclaimed. 'If you watch Star Wars, Episode One: The Phantom Menace carefully, you'll see that—'  
  
Legolas picked the kid up and tossed him out the window. 'As I was saying, Yoda was the only Jedi with pointed ears. When Annikan went crazy and became Darth Vader and hunted down all the Jedi's, who was the only one to escape?'  
  
'OBI-WAN KENOBI!' Merri, a girl in the front row, squealed. Legolas glared her into submission.  
  
'Yoda. Not only did he escape, he lived to be a ripe old age of 900 something. Now, to us immortal Elves, that's hardly a drop in the bucket, but for him and his kind, it was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. Notice that he was also the only one of his kind left around; all this because of his pointy ears.' Flipping the page again, a giant picture of a Romulan dominated the notebook. 'Example Two: Romulans. Wait, never mind, Romulans are ridiculous.' Legolas flipped the page yet again, but this time to show a giant picture of…Spock. 'Example Two B: Vulcans, Spock in particular. Vulcans are always logical and never lose their calm, unlike ridiculous people like Kirk and Uhura and Chekov and them. And don't any of you mention Bones, he was cool. Also, remember the second Star Trek movie. What happened to Spock? He died after saving the ship.'  
  
'Aww, he was such a sweetie!' another girl squealed, giggling. Ms. Marafino was busy hitting her head on her desk, unnoticed by her students.  
  
'Yeah, yeah, sweetie, whatever. Notice that in the third movie Spock was brought back to life. Were any of the others brought back to life when they died? No. Why? They didn't have pointy ears!'  
  
Legolas flipped the page yet again, this time to have his giant notebook show a picture of a Hobbit. 'Example Three: Hobbits. They have pointed ears, and they're the coolest things to walk the face of Middle Earth besides us Elves! I mean, come on, they're short and reasonable and they eat all day! What isn't there to like about them?'  
  
Krina, sitting beside Merri, raised her hand. 'What's a Hobbit?'  
  
'What's a Hobbit! WHAT'S A HOBBIT!' Legolas yelled. 'HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A HOBBIT IS?! They're short little creatures that live in the Shire and will one day save the earth because that's what Bilbo Baggins and Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee and Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck were born to do and I probably shouldn't be telling you this because I'm ruining the future!'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'Yeah.' Flipping the page again, a big picture of…something…was shown. Legolas flipped the notebook vertically, and it turned out to be a picture of Arwen. 'Example Four: Arwen Eveningstar. Sure, she's a girl, and that makes her icky, but she's Arwen! Her daddy is Elrond the Wise of Rivendell and her mother is Celebriant, daughter of Galadriel, the Lady of the Wood, or Lothlorien for those of you who don't know. She has pointed ears, and she's one day going to marry Aragorn, the heir to Isildur, and she'll become mortal to do it. Did I mention she has pointy ears?' Legolas turned the page in his notebook to reveal a picture of…himself. 'Example Four B: Legolas Greenleaf. I have pointed ears, I'm Prince of all Mirkwood Forest, I'm going to rule the place one day, and I'll take part in the Fellowship of the Ring that's going to save your butts. Enough said.' Closing his notebook, he continued. 'And that concludes my report on "Why Pointy Ears are Cooler". Any questions?'  
  
Ms. Marafino looked up from her desk. 'I have one, Legolas. This was supposed to be a research paper—'  
  
'And it is, Ms. Marafino!' Legolas said eagerly. 'And I had better get a good grade on this, because I spent four hundred years researching it!'  
  
'Four hundred years? Mr. Greenleaf, I only assigned this paper last week!'  
  
'Yeah, but you think only a week would suffice for all this?' Legolas asked, waving his oversized notebook around. 'I spent at least a hundred years being obsessive over Star Wars and trying to learn to be a Jedi and become Yoda's student before I realized that I didn't have the gift of the force, but my sister, Lana, did. Then I spent another hundred years watching every single episode of Star Trek for all seasons and all different ships known to the Universe, plus I had to watch all the movies, and then analyze everything. I even tried to join Starfleet before Mom grounded me. I spent another hundred years researching Hobbits—no, wait, I spent those hundred years rooting through Lana's room because she has all the info on the Halflings. But don't tell her that. And then I spent at least another hundred years learning about what a great guy I am! Come on, is that research or what?'  
  
Ms. Marafino sighed. 'Legolas Greenleaf, what—'  
  
Before she could finish, Legolas gave out a triumphant yell as he produced his bow and arrow and shot the arrow through her hair. Before Legolas could say 'BULLSEYE' she was dragging him down to the principal's office.  
  
****  
  
Legolas was sitting outside the Principal's office, waiting to be called in. His father, King Thranduil, sat beside him, glaring at his son. Legolas put on his most charming smile. 'Don't look so gloomy, Dad, it's sunny outside!'  
  
Thranduil groaned. 'And to think, I used to complain to your mother that Lana was too docile. I'm never having another kid again.'  
  
'Uh, Dad, unless I missed something, you don't have the kids, Mom does.'  
  
'Son, you're grounded for a thousand years.'  
  
Legolas grinned. Being grounded meant no school.  
  
'And I'm hiring Ms. Marafino as your private tutor during your time at home.'  
  
Legolas threw himself screaming into the Principal's office, preferring to be at that man's mercy than at the mercy of his father and Ms. Marafino together.  
  
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Hee, did ya like it, or hate it? REVIEW, peoples! Nothing makes an author happier than getting reviews!  
  
~~Calli 


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